It’s been a little over a week since Masturbation Month (May) has ended.  Where the fuck has the time gone people? And as I look around on my blog, I realize that I don’t have anything non-sex toy related on here. So today, I want to talk about why I masturbate and some of my earliest memories of masturbation. I think it’s important to talk about why we masturbate because we learn allot about ourselves through masturbation. We learn about our bodies, what we like, what we don’t like, and how we can further enhance our pleasure and maybe the pleasure of others with internal forces or external forces, like a sex toy or our imagination, and how Masturbation can serve a greater purpose than just sexual pleasure.  I also think it’s time you get to know me a little more. After all, I’m more than just a black mermaid behind a computer.

My earliest memory of masturbation was when I was about age 6 or 7. I remember being on my bed, lying on my stomach and closing my legs together really tight. I would clench then release and repeat. It made my vagina feel good and I remember there being at least two times where I had an orgasm. Of course I didn’t know what masturbation was at the time, let alone what an orgasm was. I just knew the shit felt great and I wanted more of it. Which was funny because I didn’t start playing with my clit until I was 10.

By then I was mostly familiar with masturbating with my hands. Whenever I would get some alone time, I would do it. Once again, I didn’t know what I was doing. And this new way of masturbating with rubbing my clit to get an orgasm was confusing and sometimes annoying. I also don’t remember why I started to masturbate that way. I think I was exploring my body and just decided that felt good. Sometimes I would overstimulate myself and either my genitals would go numb or my hand would start to get a cramp in it. Other times, I wouldn’t be lubricated enough or at all and would use lotion to get the process going. And for some reason, every time I would apply that lotion all over my labia, I never once thought to myself “Maybe you shouldn’t do that”. Of course as I got older, I realized that lotion was probably a terrible idea to use as a lubricant. But when your 11 to 12 years of age, it just sounds like a good idea no matter how much it burns. The only reason I kept using lotion however, was because the burning sensation wasn’t too bad to put up with and lasted a couple seconds. Never again though. I have matured allot since then and now know the benefits of using lube.

School brought me allot of stress as a kid. Especially when a teacher was giving me a hard time or I was being picked on. I took solace in being able to come home and rub one out. I was bullied severely and never really felt that the adults in my personal life or at school understood what I was going through. As much as I tried to stay invisible, I somehow always became the target of someone’s joke or insult for some reason. It was as if I had a big sign on my head that read “Fuck me and my feelings”. My so called “friends” didn’t really understand me either and I often found that the only reason I wanted to have friends in middle and high school was because I thought it was the “right” thing to do. Make friends or be friendly. I mean don’t get me wrong. I love making friends and I’m a very friendly person. But when you being bullied so much that you don’t care to go to school, you start to enjoy being alone more than interacting with others in your same age group. In fact, I got along with the teachers and other adults more so than I got along with people my own age. Which makes allot of sense as to why I cannot relate to some of my fellow millennials as a woman in her now early 20’s. I feel like I should be a social butterfly. But instead, I am an introvert who enjoys her own company.

When I think about what masturbation means to me, I think about it more as a stress reliever, a mental re-starter, wiping the mental slate that is my mind clear from all the stresses and things that may over whelm me from the day. Don’t get me wrong. I still masturbated when I was horny and still watch porn when I was stressed out. But it was to get to an end goal. And as I got older, I started to understand that, that didn’t always mean an orgasm and sometimes we do things just because they feel good. That still doesn’t stop me from wanting orgasms. Because everybody wants orgasms, don’t they?

I started to become more fascinated with how people pleasure themselves and why, since I used masturbation mostly as a stress reliever. I’m not really much of a drinker and I only smoked weed maybe 3 times in my life? It wasn’t really my thing and never got high. Maybe I wasn’t doing it right. I do however enjoy the smell of weed. Such a beautiful, earthy scent. And cigarettes was never my thing because the smell always triggers a headache for me. So smoking was completely out of the question. Until e-cigarettes came along, which I smoke occasionally.

While I was in High school, I met a guy on Facebook who I would watch please himself in front of me. This was back in the day when you could add anyone on Facebook without having to have any type of connections to them. I remember it as if it was yesterday. I sent him a friend request. He accepted it. He hit me up on messenger and we decided to talk on Oovoo, a webcam app.

We were chatting like normal, just having a regular conversation, when he pulled his dick out.  Rather than being disgusted or just exiting the chat altogether, I watched. More fascinated than disturbed. That continued for many years. He got turned on by me watching him and I got turned on by watching him get off to me watching him. I was his digital girl. I would watch him jerk his beautiful dick, never taking my eyes off of him. Then watching as his face slightly twitch, him breathing heavily, then him shooting this thick white cum out. The look of relief and pleasure coming across his face every time he was done.

After we disconnected, I would get myself off. For some reason, I enjoyed watching but never wanted to be watched. It was like some weird voyeurism thing. I would refer to it as live porn. As I got older, I think I started to become more aware of what I was to him and when I realized I would be nothing more than that, a digital girl, someone to help him get off, I logged of for good.

As for watching actual porn, that started pretty early. I think everyone has a memory of finding things, in my case VHS tapes that they just were not supposed to get into as a child. I did. And I’ve been watching porn since. At least when I was old enough to use a computer without supervision. I remember, before the lovely technological advances that we have today, downloading porn onto my desktop, watching it, and then returning to my room to get off to visual memories I had mentally recorded in my head. When I got my first IPod Touch, I had no idea how much easier and convenient watching porn would be. As long as I had some Wi-Fi, I could watch all the porn I wanted without leaving a trace on the family computer.

I know it sounds weird for me to say this, but porn was actually one of the ways in which I explored allot of my sexuality. As a person who feared being slut shamed as a teenager, I found it easier to watch the actors act. It was like virtual reality for my mind. I could masturbate, watching different scenarios play out in the form of a scene or amateur video, and if it didn’t get me off, I would just move on to the next one. I discovered things about myself that till this day I find to be weird. For example: I could watch a group of guys ejaculate all over a woman, but shudder at the thought of myself actually doing the deed. I could watch forced scenes, where woman would be forced to have sex, but couldn’t imagine someone slapping me around, ripping my clothes off, and me being turned on by it. Or, me participating in a gang bang with over 5 men, or being pissed on. It all turned me on but I would never do any of that in real life. That still doesn’t stop me from enjoying and allowing my mind to wonder. But there is still a fine line between fantasy and reality.

I was still and still am interested in how guys masturbate. One thing that I and most of the guys I have dated talk about is masturbation. I’m always interested in what kind of porn they watch, how they jerk off, and what, if any fetishes do they have. I’m always surprised when they tell me that I’m the only girl who openly talks to them about masturbation with them. I can’t tell whether or not it’s a race thing, where people of color don’t openly talk about those things, which is a big possibility, or because some women, be it women of color or otherwise are afraid that they will be hypersexualized and slut shamed for openly taking about their sexuality and what they liked pertaining to all things sex. Another big possibility. Hell, even women shame other women for being open with their sexuality or even just trying to start the conversation about sex in general. Everybody’s doing it but no one wants to about it. No one identifies an underlining issue here? No one?

I personally think that it’s a disparity between men and women of all races when it comes to masturbation and sex. If a man jerks off its normal, but if a woman does it, its nasty, or she’s so hungry for sex that she can’t control herself. If a guy fucks a million women, it’s okay because that’s what men are supposed to do. Be a ladies man. If a woman does the same thing, she’s labeled a slut by society. Unfit for anything more than a mere fuck. And while I have only had 3 sexual partners in my lifetime because I need a close connection in order to be with someone, I think that the playing field should be equal for everyone. I know I’m speaking from a heterosexual point of view, but I think that should apply in all cases. No one should be hypersexualized for liking what makes them feel good or shammed for trying to share that with someone. If we both like sex, why can’t we both like it equally and have an open conversation about it?

I know I got a little political for a second. But Masturbation to me is an all-purpose tool that can be used with your horny, stressed, sad, happy, angry, scared, confused, or you just need something to clear your mind. I know I drifted off and started talking about double standards between sexes and women slut shaming women, but these are all serious issues that we a society, no matter where you are in the world, need to talk about. Especially in the times we are living in now. I hope this post can help someone who may feel shame and guilt about sex and masturbation. Because Masturbation should never be shameful and always pleasurable.

*I do not own any of the photos used in this post. All images were found through google.