Ah, summertime sadness. This reminds me of a Lana Del Rey Song
There is nothing fun about break-ups. They suck and aside from the monetary investment because some people consider that, I personally think the investment of feelings is far more critical. Sometimes the people who come into our lives are only meant to stick around for a season and to teach us a lesson, which can be hard to comprehend with raw emotions in the air. After experiencing a bad break-up recently and watching an emotional BuzzFeed video of a woman re-centering herself after break-up with someone she had been with for a period of 7 years.
In light of recently breaking up with my boyfriend, I became fascinated with how others process their own break-ups. Admittedly, I’m not handling mine as well as I thought I would. But I found that re-immersing myself into the things I love has been helping…sort of. It’s a work in progress. So to help with that progress, I was thinking about compiling a bunch of things not to do while going through a break-up, then I thought about it: Telling someone not do something makes them want to do it more and the more you know you can’t have something, the more you want it. So instead, I compiled a list of things you are most likely to do after a break-up and during the break-up process. I hope it helps.
Cry
It’s normal to be upset or sad after a break-up. There are a ton of emotions going through your mind. Sadness is usually one of them. Feelings of sadness and despair may come in pieces, meaning you might find yourself crying at random times when you think about them or think about things you will no longer be able to do with them or plans that you can no longer execute with them. Don’t hold it in. Let it out. Holding all that sadness can result in a prolonged period of depression or a depressive state, where it can interfere with your life and how you interact with others. I personally find crying to be therapeutic and good way to release bad or negative feelings and energies.
Be Angry
At times, you will remember things about your ex that will make you angry. While that’s normal, it is not healthy to displace that anger onto others around you. I’m not going to say that you should ignore your feelings, but I will say that if you can, find a way to put that anger into something productive, like a favorite hobby or exercise. I heard somewhere that when your angry or upset, picking up a sport, going to the gym, for a walk, or even a run can make you feel better.
One thing I strongly discourage against is seeking retribution. I personally like my revenge to be organic, no man-made. The energy you put into the universe is precisely what you get back. Sometimes depending on what your ex did to you during the course of your relationship might seem revenge-worthy. Trust me, it’s not. The best thing you can do someone is to let them experience what life is like without you. Better things cannot come your way if you focus on ruining someone else’s life. Think long and hard about your potential actions and process what you’re feeling and why you want to cause ill-will to them. It really won’t be to your benefit. Remember the movie Acrimony? Well, if you didn’t see it, things did not end well for the protagonist.
Stalk Your Ex on Social Media
Discontinuing everyday communication with someone you were really close with can be hard. Not being able to know what they are doing or how they are doing can be challenging to comprehend. If your still friends with your now-ex on social media, you might find yourself checking out their profiles and handles non-stop to see what they are doing and how they are coping with life without you. I have seen many articles and column pieces advising against this, and they’re not wrong.
When going through a break-up, you’re technically supposed to be mourning the loss of your relationship and cutting off the connection you once shared with that person. Stalking them on social media completely interferes with this process because you’re taking time out of your day to become consumed with them and their lives from a distance. What I will say, however, is that it’s normal, but only for a while. If you find yourself doing it too often, when you’re in a new relationship, way after your relationship has ended, or stalking them through a mutual friend’s profile, re-evaluate yourself. Self-regulation is important. And if your ex blocks you from their social media following the break-up, they are doing you a favor.
Talking About Your Ex to Others
When processing your emotions after a break-up, it’s quite reasonable to do so with friends or family. It can help to get other’s perspectives on things and can even take your mind away from negative feelings. It’s hard to not over-talk about your ex to others, especially if the break-up in new. You may even notice that they get annoyed by you continually bringing them up in conversation and find them swiftly changing the subject. You can interpret this as a good or bad thing, but keep in mind that your friends and family probably have other things going on in their lives, just be considerate to them and their feelings. I know it can be difficult. If you feel like you need some extra help with processing your emotions, seek professional advice.
Hitting the Rebound
They say the best way to get over a man is to get under another one. Whatever you’re into, I personally don’t think this is the answer. I usually like to take some time to myself before getting involved with someone else because that’s just how I like to do things. Different strokes for different folks, right? For some, hitting the rebound too soon can cause you to displace un-processed emotions onto someone else. If however, this is something that is a part of your personal healing process, and it helps in the utmost constructive way possible, then do it. Safety of course.
Call Your Ex
Don’t do it. Nine times out of ten, you’ll regret it. And if you don’t have your thoughts properly organized, you might say something you’ll regret or get an unpleasant response from them that you aren’t mentally prepared for. Take time to think about what you are feeling and why what your feeling necessitates you contacting your ex.
Re-Playing Scenarios in Your Head
Consuming yourself with what you could have or should have done while you were together usually doesn’t prove to be very conducive in many situations, especially once said situation has ended. Take it as a learning experience. Sometimes, even if we could have gone back in time and done things differently, the outcome would have probably been the same or just delayed the inevitable. We make decisions with the experience we have at that moment, not experience we obtain in the future if that makes sense.
Reminiscing Over Good Times
We don’t always have to hate our exes. Sometimes our minds go back to a time where they made use happy, laugh, or just felt good. Sometimes remembering good things about them can help us move on. Other times it can make us miss them and even want to re-connect with them. Don’t be so hasty on that one, now. Just because you can reminisce on some good times doesn’t always mean you should get back together. Sometimes getting back together with an ex after a while can be a good thing, but that’s a deep conversation you need to have with yourself and then with them. You know, a song by Barbra Streisand articulates this perfectly.
Reminiscing Over Bad Times
I try my best to not think of the bad times I had with an ex unless I’m trying to use it as a lesson. For some, remembering bad times can be traumatic. Life can be dreary sometimes and bringing up bad memories from the past can make it worse. You don’t always have to think about your ex in a positive light, but hoarding hatred towards someone you are no longer with isn’t helpful either.
Have a Negative Outlook on Future Relationships
If you were really close to the person you were with, you had a deep connection, maybe saw yourself being with that person long-term, or making some type of official commitment to them, it can be difficult to imagine yourself with someone else for a while. I know for myself that when I love, I love hard, and once I am committed to someone, I don’t have eyes for anyone else. This mindset can cause your outlook on future romantic relationships to look bleak, and that’s okay. It takes time to get over that and you will. Admittedly, sometimes it can be hard to get over the thought that everyone you will be with in the future will be the same as you ex or treat you the same way they did or do something you ex did that you didn’t like.
I often fear the unknown and have been slowly coming to the realization that you can’t make provisions for both scenarios in advance. And I say provisions because sometimes we can develop plans or techniques on how we can react to or handle a situation in a new relationship if one should occur. By doing so, however, we develop a sort of paranoia, if you will, where we formulate pre-disposed behaviors and attitudes towards a person, expecting them to meet our expectations with disappointment or immediately call foul after they do something we don’t like without taking time to properly process our own feelings towards an individual’s actions or understanding why they did what they did and what their thought process behind it. Understand perspective matters.
The Take-Away
After a break-up, I think the most important thing you can do is take some time to yourself and do things that truly bring joy to your life. No matter what that is, as long as you’re not hurting yourself or others. In this time, use it for self-reelection and if you’re going through a tougher time than you thought you would reach out to others for help and advice. These things in life aren’t easy and sometimes we have to go through them to learn more about ourselves and others, but mostly ourselves.
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