The end of a relationship can bring about raw emotions, feelings of sadness, resentment, anger, and regret. Depending on how it all ended, it can leave many overthinking about the “What if’s” and shoulda, woulda, coulda’s, thinking that if they went about doing things differently, they could have changed the course that the relationship was heading on which would have somehow prevented it from ending. Sometimes getting closure can help others turn the page to a new chapter of their lives and face future relationships with confidence and a positive attitude.
Other times, it can be traumatizing for some to re-live some of the lowest points in their relationship and can even bring up bad memories that they would like to pretend never happened. If you’ve been there before, then you know what it feels like. This is why I decided to talk about getting closure after a relationship has ended. If its really necessary, along with some scenarios and how to know if you if it is not a good idea. My goal is to create a healthy conversation about relationships and the not-so-fun parts of being romantically involved with someone when navigating the dating scene. I hope you find it useful.
The Benefits of Seeking Closure
Getting closure is a goal-oriented task that involves organization of thoughts matched with moments in your relationship that you choose to momentarily reflect on to get a more in-depth insight and comprehension on how both sides interpret said situations. So please understand this clearly: If you are trying to get back with your ex, the closure will not necessarily help you. Trying to understand how another person perceives a situation or even understanding their mental process and capacity cannot be done when your trying to get back with them. You will find yourself taking on the views of someone else and wasting your own time in the process.
And while we’re on the subject of process, closure can allow you to process negative feelings you may have experienced during a relationship and find some type of common ground with your ex, which can help put nagging negative thoughts to rest. It may also help you to write any wrongs that may have happened during the relationship, help you and your ex become friends (If that’s what you want) if you became enemies with them after the relationship ended.
The Cons of Seeking Closure
Getting closure is difficult because it can bring up old thoughts, feelings, and emotions that can put you back into the dark place you were in at specific points in your relationship. I say certain points of the relationship because all relationships are filled with highs and lows. There will always be times even now when I think about the fun things I used to do with my ex or the vibes and deep conversations we had as a couple. There are also times where I find myself getting angry or upset over something he said to me or the way I may have over-reacted to something he did or said.
Having to process those times in your relationship can be hard because you might come to the realization that you didn’t handle things the way you were supposed to or weren’t as considerate as you thought you were. Or you may have allowed your partner to take advantage of you as you thought it would benefit the relationship when, in reality, it only made things worse as you may have found yourself being forced to be complicit with a lower standard of treatment from your partner. Relationships are funny in that way. Just different combinations of problems and issues that either sort themselves out as time moves on or doesn’t. Where some might look at one thing as a big deal, others wouldn’t think anything of it. The biggest con of seeking closure if the idea that you might not get the resolution your looking for.
When is it Okay to Seek Closure?
From my own personal experience, usually after a break-up, exes discontinue communication indefinitely with one another as a way to move on and not relish in old feelings, be them negative or positive. For some, this can be difficult if the breakup wasn’t mutual. You can’t make someone want to be with you, they have to want that on their own. That time apart gives both parties time to cool off and find their way back to a friendship if that’s possible. When this happens, you might have the opportunity to walk down memory lane with your ex and figure out where things went wrong. However, just like I mentioned before, they have to be in the mood to talk to you about it, meaning they want to engage in said conversation on this topic, and you both must be in good standing with one another.
When engaging in said conversation, make it clear what you are talking about and confirm that they are ready to speak with you about the relationship. If your ex makes it every clear that they do not wish to talk about it, then it probably isn’t a good idea to corner them into doing so as it might cause them to shut down and discontinue further contact with you. If you find that your ex is difficult to talk to and doesn’t take accountability for their actions, getting closure might be a lost cause and a frustrating process to endure. Consider physically organizing your thoughts on pen and paper before bringing it up and should they decide not to talk to you about it, consider talking to a friend or therapist. I would also say that if not getting closure from your ex makes you feel uncomfortable with keeping in touch with them, discontinue communicating with them right then and there. You do not have to stay in contact with someone who makes you feel uncomfortable for any reason.
When Should You not Attempt to get Closure?
For those whose partner has decided to part from them or their relationship took a violent turn at one point, like an abusive relationship, for example, it might be best to avoid getting back into contact with your ex for own safety and for lawful reasons. It is entirely unwise to try to talk to an ex who has made it quite clear that they want nothing to do with you or even has gone as far as to get a restraining order on you. It is even more unwise to get back into contact with an ex who has been physically abusive towards you in the past, no matter how much time has gone by. It is just not safe on both ends. Exes who have been either physically or verbally abusive in the past usually have a known pattern of unpredictability. Only you can predict that as you would know, the chances of your ex blowing upon you as you were the one who dated them.
While I have never been in a physically abusive relationship, I find that my exes who were either emotionally abusive or verbally abusive had a tendency to either shut me down if I didn’t see things their way or yell at me to get their point across. Both of which are un-healthy. You should also gauge your exes’ responses based upon your interactions with them during a slight disagreement or argument. If you find that things subsequently turn into a screaming match, one might also infer that talking to them about something they did to you or vice versa, might not end on a positive note. If you still choose to attempt to seek closure, it might be a good idea to do over the phone if they will take your call if you think it’s a good idea.
Seeking Closure if your Ex is deceased
This one can be tough because it’s hard to get closure on a situation that involves two people when both parties technically should be present. Making peace with someone who you used to be in a relationship who has passed away is one of the hardest things to do. You may find yourself mentally encased with the last memories that you shared together and if those memories are negative, you can sometimes have a sense of guilt for not trying to make those moments better if you knew that it would be the last time seeing that person, which is something you can’t control. No one really knows the last time they will ever see someone, and dwelling on those moments won’t help you or them.
If that person was the reason your relationship ended or there was some wrong-doing on their part, you might find yourself holding onto feelings of anger and resentment that you can no longer displace onto them. Whichever the case is, you can help yourself heal by writing them a letter telling them how you feel, then destroy it by burning it (or not), or talking to a friend (mutual or not) that was familiar with your relationship and tell them how you feel. If either idea isn’t your cup of tea, consider seeking professional help to aid in unpacking those feelings and emotions. Just don’t hold on to them, please.
The biggest takeaway
If getting closure brings you peace, then seek it. In doing so, make sure you take time to self-reflect on yourself but try not to dwell on the bad, and most importantly, the past. It doesn’t help you in the long run to harbor negative feelings towards a situation, person, or even yourself. The best thing you can do is to find a way to make peace with the other person and yourself by practicing forgiveness and acceptance of the situation for what it was.
If you choose not to forgive your partner for they may have done to you during the relationship, then learn to forgive yourself for things you may have done or things that happened to you. If you’re the person who did the wrongdoing during the relationship, look at how you can do things differently in the future. No matter which side you’re on, I always think its best to take some time to yourself in the form of self-care both before and after seeking closure because your mental health is the most critical aspect above everything.
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