With revenge porn laws now becoming somewhat more helpful in prosecuting those who choose to post pictures of their significant others or anyone they think isn’t worthy of being respected, I feel like now would be a good time to share my personal experience with being a victim of Revenge Porn. The main reason I want to share my story is to continue to bring awareness to Revenge Porn and how it can negatively affect and devastate its victims, highlighting why it is so important to make punishment tougher on those who choose to share intimate content that was confided in them and only them.
While going through my experience, I felt as though I was constantly being re-victimized over and over again by the law enforcement that was supposed to help me and those close to me who constantly kept telling me that I should have never done what I did. It took a long time for me to realize that there is nothing wrong with sharing pictures of my body with someone I am romantically interested in or otherwise. Especially if it was meant for their eyes only. I want everyone who has gone through or is currently going through something similar to know that they are not alone, it is not your fault, and you deserve to be treated with respect and dignity at all times.
In the spring of 2013, my sophomore year in college, I met a guy on an app that I had frequented but never met up with most of the people I encountered on it. I had only met up with one guy before him out of the 10’s of different guys that hit me up wanting to take me out on a date. While I don’t necessarily allow one experience to generalize another, I will say that the guy I met before was okay and we even ended up in a relationship for some time. That relationship abruptly ended due to him transitioning into a new religion and my rejecting his invitation to join in said religion. And marriage. I was 19 at the time.
Shortly after that, I returned to the app not really looking for anything particular. In fact, I wasn’t planning on meeting anyone from the app ever again would just use it to talk to new people who I would have probably never met if not for the app. Until I met him. A guy who seemed to be nice. We talked a couple of times and had really good conversations. We were both techies so we never ran out of things to talk about. He was kind of a nerd, glasses and just how he dressed and stuff. But I like nerds so that wasn’t an issue. Two months into talking, he asked me out on a date and I finally said yes.
Our first date was cool. We went to a bowling alley and had a good time. I didn’t get any creepy vibes from him and we hit it off pretty well. So much so that when the date was nearing the end, I suggested we go to the movies to extend it. The whole time out date was going on, he kept complimenting me. To the point where I asked him to stop. I’m not one for flattery. After the movie, we ended our date and walked to the train station. He waited until my train came and before I got on the train, I gave him a peck on the lips. Just a peck.
The second date was more interesting. We went to the movies and was horsing around a bit afterward. We made out a little bit while watching the movies and I guess he wanted to continue that because he insisted on kissing in the seating area near the place where you go in to watch the movie. That would mean that everyone who was walking in and out of the theatre would see us. Be looking at us. I don’t like that. The attentions of it. Admittedly, I’m not the biggest fan of PDA’S (Public Displays of Affection), so there was no problem making out in a dark movie theatre. But not where people could see us. It’s just not my thing. He got mad when I stopped kissing him as though he was upset that he couldn’t show me off in public. I wasn’t picking that up at the time. At the end of our date, he walked me by my train but didn’t wait for me to get on it this time. I understood that he was upset, I just didn’t know how upset that made him. I don’t feel like I embarrassed him. I told him no discreetly.
Something I didn’t mention in the beginning was that while we first started talking, and flirting, we both traded pictures. Naked ones. Just body parts. Without any previous negative experience, I had been forewarned a long time ago about not taking naked pictures with your face displayed in them. And it just wasn’t my thing to include my face in my naked photos. The person who I would be sending said photos to knows what my face looks like anyways. I had done this (exchanging pictures) before with a very select number of guys and didn’t see a problem with it. This will come to bite me in the ass later on.
After our second date, we didn’t talk for a week. Following that, a guy who I was previously chatting with before him, liked a bunch of my pictures on Facebook and that made him furious. Though it was out of my control, I didn’t understand why he cared. I myself thought the act was weird, and he later apologized for his actions. Don’t know why I did that since me and that guy hadn’t talked in months. But I had a feeling my fate was already sealed.
Following that event, maybe a couple of hours later, he informed me that he were so mad at what happened on Facebook, that he went outside and punched a tree. I was slightly horrified as I had never seen a guy get that angry before over something I quite frankly didn’t think was worth anyone’s anger or a big deal.
So when it came to our third and final date, he showed up visibly agitated and when I requested that this date just turn into a friendly gathering, he got even more upset, saying that if we didn’t continue this as a date, he would leave. I had already purchased the tickets and didn’t want to waste them, so I obliged. I figured since this would probably be the last time we would ever see each other, I would try to end it on the best note I could.
After that day we didn’t talk much and he was starting to notice it. I told him that I didn’t appreciate how he acted on our third date and that it made me apprehensive about continuing to see him. That combined with what I would call unwarranted and odd behavior from someone liking my pictures on Facebook, brought me to my ultimate discussion to discontinue our discourse. And so I told him. “I don’t think we should see each other anymore.” In a simple sentence. I went on to explain that it wasn’t him and I didn’t think I was the right person for him to be with and he could probably find someone he would be more compatible with. That was a terrible idea.
He didn’t just flip a lid. He blew a fucking gasket. He immediately started going off about us and how I “cheated” on him, even though I never recalled us formally entering into a relationship. Unless he mistook me accepting his request that I not talk to anyone else on our second date as us now being exclusive. I didn’t take that to mean anything because I was already not planning on talking to anyone else. I guess I was wrong.
He then went on to start threatening me. Saying that he would expose me for the real person I am. He told me was going to ruin my life and put the picture, the picture I entrusted him with on the internet for the world to see. My heart sank to my stomach and I was mortified. I started begging and pleading for him not do it. That it wasn’t necessary and asked him would he want to do that to me. He wouldn’t tell me anything further other than I deserve what will be coming to me.
I was standing in my room. Not knowing what to do. Shaking as if I was having an internal earthquake. I didn’t understand how a simple conversation went left so fast. I didn’t lead him on. At least I don’t think I did. Yet there I was. Standing, shaking, and in a sudden cold sweat. I didn’t know what do to or who to turn to. And my phone kept ringing. Him continuing to go off about the person I really am. To him. A slut. Some girl who led him on and toyed with his emotions.
I turned to the only person I knew I could tell at that moment. My big sister. She was at work. I called her, my voice cracking and shaking. She kept asking me what was wrong and I had a hard time getting it out until I did:
“You know that guy I was talking to and going to the movies with?”
“Yea”
“I told him that I wanted to stop seeing him….he got mad and now he’s threatening to put a picture I sent him online.”
“What!”
“I don’t know what to do, this has never happened before with anyone.”
“Okay, Tiff. Just calm down and tell more word for word what happened.”
I told her. She herself couldn’t make sense of why he was doing this. She told me to give her his phone number and she would try to talk some sense into him. I gave it to her, but I think that only made things worse. He texted me back telling me that I shouldn’t have given her his number and that I have now sealed my fate by doing so.
When my sister came home, we went to her best friend’s house where we further talked about what happened, the timeline, and everything in between. My sister and her best friend were both livid. They wanted to find him, but I reasoned with them. Telling them that searching an entire whole borough wouldn’t be feasible. But I understood their anger. Even in that moment, I was still partially sympathetic with him, remembering when he told me that he was very insecure about his looks. I didn’t go off looks, so that wasn’t my concern.
I felt bad for him until he crossed the line. Touching something that had nothing to do with the problem he had with me: My mother. While we were out, he sent a text message to both me and my sister’s phone:
“Light this bitch is a target. Whoever finds, rapes and kills this bitch gets 5 G’s.”
Below it was a picture of my mother. I was every emotion I could possibly feel. And didn’t know what to do. He later sends one with a picture of me as well. Where the hell did he get the picture of my mother from? Facebook! I never thought that listing my mother as my MOTHER under the “Relatives” section of my wall would put her life in danger. So now what do I do? How many people did he send this to? Did he just send me it just me and my sister? Either way, we weren’t sure. We definitely have to go to the police now. I could have adjusted to life with a picture of my breasts floating around the internet. But my mother now being a target when this had nothing to do with her was something I just didn’t know how to handle. And I would have to tell the one person who I wanted to keep it from the most that because of me, her life could potentially be put in danger by some guy I met on the internet: My mom.
When my sister and I got home, my mother immediately sensed that something was very wrong. She could see it in our faces that something was off. Who would tell it first, I wondered. My sister or me? As I was about to say it, my sister said it first, I further explained. The look of slight fear came across my mother’s face. Then anger. Not for me, but for the person who dares to put her and her child’s life in danger. We agreed on a course of action and followed through. Going to the police station to file a police report.
Two days later, I was assigned a detective for my case. In that time, he sent me two links to two porn websites with my information (my name, my phone number, where I go to school) plastered all over them for the world to see. The picture of my breasts was on both them and both profiles got so many hits and views within such a short amount of time. My phone was ringing off the hook with a combination of text messages from him, computer-generated messaged that I believe was from him that messed with my phone so much that my phone permanently slowed down from not being able to take in the 200+ messages being sent daily. That went on for a week. I wanted to change my phone number, but I knew I needed it for evidence.
In that time, I avoided all technology, even staying away from the TV. I lost my interest in being on the computer and resorted to sleeping pills just to get a good 4 hours of sleep if that. I stopped eating and somehow developed diarrhea. I was constantly exhausted and scared of my own shadow, turning neurotic. I avoided going to school as people I didn’t know wanted to find me so they could have sex with me because apparently, “BrooklynBBW” wanted to act out a rape fantasy and was okay with people coming up to her and forcing themselves on to her. To make matters worse, a student who went to the same school as me at the time was looking out for me so we could “do it.” That wasn’t me. That wasn’t who I was. I had never told him I liked the idea of rape or forced sex. And quite frankly, I didn’t want to have sex with random men on the internet.
During the investigation, I had to practically convince everyone, even my own family at times that I never slept with him. I know it’s hard to believe, but I was still a virgin at the time and we were nowhere near the idea of having sex. I made that clear to him. My case almost got dropped because he claimed someone else was using his phone. I was able to reason with the detective that the nature of the messages we had between each other had intimate details that wouldn’t make sense for someone other than him to know. The detective took his time with the case. He said it was because he believed me and didn’t want him to get away with it. Until his threats started to get more aggressive.
In a weeks’ time, I was dealing with threats and messages from him and random people. Men sending me pictures of their genitals and telling me all the nasty things they wanted to do to me, men calling my phone to tell me how hot they thought I was. After telling some of them that it wasn’t me, they apologized and told me they would report the profiles. There were so many of them trying to contact me, it required too much energy to keep repeating myself. There were even times where my sister would take my phone and respond to them so I wouldn’t have to. I had to email the porn sites and explain to them that I did not create the profiles and needed them to be removed, almost having to sue one of them in the process.
I was still receiving threats from him the day he was arrested. A few days prior, I was instructed to stop responding to any of his or anyone’s text messages who I didn’t recognize. I had already stopped doing that anyway and I’m guessing the absence of my interaction was starting to get to him. As the messages kept pouring in, I called the police station to let the detective know that he was still contacting me. They relayed the message to him when he came in on his shift, he called me right away and let me know that they were going to get him.
The next phone call I got was the detective telling me that they got him and for me to come down to the precinct to identify him. Luckily, I was spared the grief of having to see him face to face, as the detective took a picture of him with his cellphone and I identified him there.
I never got my day in court with him, as he took a plea deal and wasn’t given any additional jail time because it was apparently his first offense, though something in me felt as though this wasn’t his first time. This was just the first time he didn’t get away with it. I was given a restraining order against him and my world slowly started to adjust to a new normal.
I had never been put in a situation like this before. Having to fight for and prove my innocence. Having to prove to people that sex was not the reason this person turned on me. “Look out for the signs.” I kept hearing many people say to me as I had to tell retell my story over and over again. That part really messed with me because I know I’m good at reading people. So when I tell you that guy flipped out on me for no good reason, I know what I’m talking about. How can you watch out for signs when where none to begin with? I was 19 at the time and I have never encountered anything like this before.
As for the picture I sent, do I feel like I still shouldn’t have sent it? No. That picture was sent as an even exchange between two consenting adults with a mutual understanding that it was not to be sent or shared with anyone else. How would you feel if someone took an unflattering picture of you at an event and after giving you their word that they would not post the picture to social media, they do it anyway? You would probably be upset because that person violated your trust, right? No one shouldn’t be slut-shamed for naked pictures they send and exchange with others. And if your one of those people who believe in the idea of “If you didn’t want it to put online, then you shouldn’t have shared It.”, you are helping to contribute to rape culture. This idea that one moment, thing someone does, says, or wears makes it okay for someone to judge, hypersexualize them, or freely and carelessly take it out of context is absolutely absurd.
I’m writing this story, reliving my nightmare because women encounter things like this all the time and the one question that keeps getting asked is “What did you do?” I am also annoyed with this idea that people on the internet are crazy. My guidance counselor at the time told me this when I told her my story and I never went back to her again. Would you want someone to think that of you because they met you on online? I’m not defending him but I’m trying to make a point. People are people and sometimes they don’t present who they really are or their bad qualities/intentions right away. We usually don’t ask people unflattering questions (I do that way more now, asking all the unflattering questions I can think of) and we ourselves try to our best to hide our bad qualities as well.